The Bottom 10 of 2011

Well, we’ve hit the last day of the year, and with the round-ups coming thick and fast, I’m certainly finishing off my wonderful look back at the best of the year, there’s some turds that need shitting on further, please, indulge me.

10. Your Highness

(Dir, David Gordon Green, 2011)

It’s low on the list because Justin Theroux, bless him, actually tried to be a funny villain in a wretched, botched attempt at half-stoner comedy, half serious 80’s throwback fantasy adventure. A film which has a cyclops beast having it’s genitalia cut off for a joke, and lots of Danny McBride swearing for the sake of swearing. That has worked in the past, in The Foot Fist Way and this year’s 30 Minutes Or Less, he made it funny, here it’s just awful, when tagged alongside dull Natalie Portman, nothingness Zooey Deschanel and trying to be funny James Franco, it’s all an eyesore with a budget. Only Theroux’s screaming of what he’s doing in the climax, as he jumps and screams “Jumping”, saved this from mid-chart positioning.

 

9. The Art Of Getting By

(Dir, Gavin Wiesen, 2011)

I’m a mid-noughties indie scene apologist, there are some bland ones out there, but most of the US indie output between 2002-2008 was fantastic. The Art Of Getting By wants to be one of them, it has the New York setting, the melancholic ramblings of the main character, a teenage creative outcast, but it has no heart, it’s in love with the elements from yore but has no idea how to create humans to fit a story, nor how to make a story that is interesting, and so we get a Sundance feature full of wants to be hip, cool, artistic, different, but it’s all very much ‘been there, done that, it was better then’. Plus, Emma Roberts is never a good sign, as with last year’s It’s Kind Of A Funny Story, another truly terrible indie flick.

 

8. Beginners

(Dir, Mike Mills, 2010)

Speaking of terrible indie flicks, much acclaimed drama Beginners, with performances from Ewan McGregor, Christopher Plummer and a dog being adored all over the world, was a horrible waste of time. Part quirky drama, part depressing ‘what now’ emotional problems film, the story of a man living with the death of his father, who finally stopped living the lie just before passing, is full of sad looking people being depressed, and it’s completely worthless. When a dog has subtitles for dialogue as part of an on-going joke, you should run out of the cinema, fast.

 

7. Alvin & The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

(Dir, Mike Mitchell, 2011)

Need I explain this one? Auto-tuned helium voiced comedians, David Cross in a pelican suit for 90 minutes, one of the most painful cinematic experiences of the year.

 

6. The Hangover Part II

(Dir, Todd Phillips, 2011)

A sequel to 2009’s worst comedy? With the ability to waste the talents of Ed Helms, Ken Jeong and Zach Galifianakis? Well, of course the rip-off retread featuring additional anal rape jokes was going to be so abhorrent, mean-spirited, un-engaging and lacking any humour of any kind to make this list. A failure from top to bottom, woeful in every way.

 

5. Red State

(Dir, Kevin Smith, 2011)

Kevin Smith used to be a witty, if annoying, loud-mouth, then he made Cop Out, and by selling out he saw the wrath of the critics, who know what bad films are, and they are named Cop Out. With Red State he was screaming about this and that, mainly focussed on right-wing Christian fundamentalists, however the script mixes horror tropes and comedy, making a lame-duck thriller with no protagonists, likable characters or sense. It’s loud, dumb, poorly made, horrible to look at and worst of all, toothless. For a man who likes to talk a lot, he has nothing to say.

 

4. Killer Elite

(Dir, Gary McKendry, 2011)

Jason Statham and Clive Owen square off as hitmen to save/kill Robert DeNiro, that’s what the trailer suggested. In reality, we have a tedious pile of crap about mercenaries what did done bad things and have to kill some SAS people, but the SAS have a secret committee in a small town to talk about what to do. It’s a lot of talking, and nothing happens. Awful, awful, awful. Statham doesn’t even smash a man’s face in. What world has a Statham film less violent than a Ryan “The Notebook” Gosling picture?

 

3. Johnny English Reborn

(Dir, Oliver Parker, 2011)

Aggressive gunplay and testicle violence mixed with silly faces and flibberdy dibberdy wording from Rowan Atkinson make this oddity of a genre parody lack any parodical elements whatsoever, nor is there any plot that has interest in any of the audience. Lame, dull and nary a sign of originality in it. Naturally it was a hit.

 

2. Green Lantern

(Dir, Martin Campbell, 2011)

DC origin story that’s not a Dark Knight-esque realistic dark portrayal. It’s a very 2002 type film, with post-converted 3D and a mix of terribly unfunny beats, improbable moments and a lack of character throughout. If you wanted to see a film about the Green Lanterns, there’s a Nathan Fillion voiced animation for you. This is pure crap, just awful, atrocious, lazy, stupid, crap crap crap.

 

1. Sucker Punch

(Dir, Zack Snyder, 2011)

Zack Snyder makes a movie for teens wherein the constant threat is rape. Girls are being raped and they fight back in a mental asylum by imagining they are in a burlesque club, without a slut with mutant lungs to help them, as they try not to be raped. Rape rape rape. PG-13. Fuck you, Zack Snyder, fuck you.

 

Dishonourable mentions:

Been a great cinematic year personally, however…

Paul, Forget-Me-Not, Ironclad, Unknown, Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Black Pond, Hall Pass, Warrior, Body Temperature (No UK Release, thank goodness), Damsels In Distress (Out next year, watch out), Let The Bullets Fly (Also next year), Martha Marcy May Marlene (Don’t believe the hype), 360 (Festivals ain’t been good…), Tower Heist, Resistance, You Are Failing!

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