Bad Movies

Well, with Bad Teacher coming out, clearly in the vein of 2003’s Bad Santa, and 2005’s re-make of Bad News Bears, and 2009’s Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans, it’s time to re-imagine the summer in “Bad” Cinema.

Bad Zookeeper

Kevin James plays an ex-con, after 15 years for armed robbery and attempted murder, Jeff Stevenson returns to the real world, and finds the only people willing to hire our intrepid anti-hero is New York Zoo. There he finds all kinds of animals to sell to poachers, through eBay or black markets, even offering the best animal porn this side of the border.

Soon, however, Stevenson realises that maybe we’re all animals caged up out of fear, and has to decide if he can really let wild animals stay in prison, or unleash the beasts inside.

Rated R for Strong Violence and Gory Images, Teen Partying, Sexual Content, Graphic nudity and Pervasive Strong Language.

Bad Green Lantern

Hal Jordan is a schmo working in the US Air Force, having lots of sex with women and being charming, charismatic and all-round awesome. One day he discovers a meteorite crash, an alien dies, and gives him a ring with all the power he ever needs.

He is told to join with a collection of alien races to defend the universe.

Hal Jordan, once he finds the way to unleash the power within, becomes the only pilot without a plane, has sex with women in mid-air, beats up nerds, cheats casinos and becomes the coolest, most douchiest billionairre ever. And the universe is destroyed.

Rated R for strong sexual content including nudity, strong violence, smoking and strong language.

The Bad Tree Of Life

Brad Pitt and Sean Penn play brothers on a decade-long road trip through America, doing lots of drugs and fornicating with lots of ladies, until one day they break down in the desert of Arizona. As they traverse the sandy terrain our intrepid duo, with taking dog buddy Sam (Hank Azaria) discover the secrets of the mythical Tree Of Life, and find immortality awaits.

With no chance of ever dying, the three contemplate re-joining society or finding a way to continue their road trip, even if it means murder, burglary and prostitution. It’s a 3 hour long meditation on humanity, with a plethora of dick jokes.

Rated PG-13 for Mature Content and for a Smoking Caterpillar.