2011 – A Year In Review Part Three

Who would have thought September would be such a great month for movies? The month when UK releases are US comedy’s dumping ground saw Friends With Benefits, 30 Minutes Or Less, Crazy, Stupid, Love and The Change-Up released, two of these were great, one was good, one was The Change-Up.

If comedy wasn’t your bag, you could appreciate that new 3D technology, as Sex & Zen: Extreme Ecstasy tortured and raped it’s way to bombing, and Fright Night saw a surprisingly brilliant take on the horror genre. Disappointing British ensemble heaven Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy came out and rocketed the box office, unlike Taylor Lautner’s attempt to pretend he’s anything but meat, Abduction, fell by the wayside.

Terrible films were prevalent in the month, Warrior, Killer Elite, The Art Of Getting By, Red State, Melancholia, Troll Hunter, they all popped into cinemas, if you were smart, you avoided and saw Jurassic Park in it’s re-release format, or saw stylish as all get out Drive in a sophisticated cinema type setting.

Best FIlm Of The Month: Drive

Worst Film Of The Month: Red State/Killer Elite

This Month We Lost: Cliff Robertson

October, the lost month. For many it was the dark times as winter crept forward, the sun set earlier, the cold increased and films got a little less interesting.

Johnny English Reborn reared it’s abhorrent head to win the box office, Woody Allen’s lacking latest, Midnight In Paris, tried to do battle, as did The Lion King’s 3D release. Heck, even Paddy Considine had a go at cinema with Tyrannosaur, which in a perfect world would let Olivia Coleman get an Oscar nod. Although in a perfect world the subject matter would be alien.

Paul WS Anderson revealed his 3D Three Musketeers, and whilst it had too much James Corden (Any is too much), it was fun, silly and a good use of a few hours.

Footloose lost and Real Steel proved it’s metal in terms of money, Sleeping Beauty and Texas Killing Fields slipped passed everyone, Contagion had Gwyneth Paltrow’s head autopsied, and made everyone shit scared to ever leave the house again, unlike Paranormal Activity 3, which somehow had HD level VHS footage. Kevin was talked about a lot, despite not being worth anyone’s time, Tintin had his first Adventure, and it was good, whilst we all had a nice little drama in the form of The Help, which whilst cheesy as hell, was wonderful and entertaining too.

Ryan Gosling ended his year with The Ides Of March, a West Wing-type drama thriller from George Clooney, which had only slightly more political intrigue than Roland Emmerich’s Anonymous, but was so much better.

Yet in all of this, one film came out unsung by the masses. The Silence was a harrowing, tough, intriguing, intense, genius piece of cinema that had a very limited release, meaning no one saw it. Shame.

Best Film Of The Month: The Silence

Worst Film Of The Month: Johnny English Reborn

This Month We Lost: Charles Napier

In Time opened November by reminding us that The Adjustment Bureau isn’t the only sci-fi with formal attired young people running around, and Machine Gun Preacher gave us some good stuff from Michael Shannon, and about an hour and a half of other crap around it. Speaking of crap, Tower Heist.

Gorgeous, amazing, brilliant drama Weekend caught a niche audience and captivated them throughout November as something of an arthouse hit. A moving, touching, outstanding romance just when we needed something to truly and whole-heartedly love, thank goodness for that film. Christmas came early as Aardman’s Arthur Christmas slowly rose to chart success, fighting with 300 spoof Immortals for the number one slot, and first losing. Disappointing Andrea Arnold adaptation of Wuthering Heights withered (Or wuthered) and died on release, much like both Nic Cage releases, Trespass and Justice. When Nic Cage’s hair isn’t the silliest of the head appearances, you’ve got trouble, Guy Pearce.

Twilight had another film released, no one notices. 50/50 failed to be half as good as it promised, Moneyball was mostly Brad Pitt Eats, My Week With Marilyn went on for a long time and Take Shelter hunkered down to low screen averages, all in all a mixed, quiet month.

Best Film Of The Month: Weekend

Worst Film Of The Month: Tower Heist

This Month We Lost: Ken Russell

Remember the first week of this month? Oh sure, there was Hugo and Happy Feet Two, but there was also Camp Hell (Starring Jesse Eisenberg in 5 minutes of it!) and The Big Year, which a friend described as shit. It was a big week, with festival meh We Have A Pope disappointing, shockingly enough, as a film about a newly elected pope questioning if he is up to the task whilst a psychiatrist comes to the Vatican and, at one point, sets up a Cardinal Volleyball Tournament. That’s right, this film has Cardinals playing volleyball together, in slow mo too! And yet, was just, eh. Also, The Thing 2011 finally came out.

But, speaking of hugely delayed movies, a certain little indie film finally got a UK release, on one screen, for a 2.5 hour film shot in 2005. Margaret, starring Anna Paquin, Mark Ruffalo, Keiran Culkin, Matthew Broderick (Oh yeah, it’s the year of him, 3 films within 3 months), Matt Damon, Jean Reno and Allison Janney pop up in a remarkably simple tale of a teen girl growing up, whilst not really embracing the maturity required to become a woman. I mean, that’s one interpretation, but it’s a good one, right? So, that 150 minute film took 6 years to get out here, and expanded consistently for weeks afterwards. Take that, Fox Searchlight!

They were too focussed on the release of really low-budget indie hit Another Earth, which was fine enough, but naturally wasn’t as successful as shameful New Year’s Eve, which had more celebrities than sense. If it had 2 actors, it’d still have that ratio of sense. Puss In Boots popped up in cinemas, a slight film, but better than some of the Shreks, not exactly one for the 3D annals though. Unlike, say, A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas. Gimmicky as all hell, but a superbly funny, silly, vulgar christmas film with two leads we love, right? Plus good ol’ Thomas Lennon, Neil Patrick Harris and Danny effing Trejo. In 3D!

Alvin And The Chipmunks ended the most important saga of our times, with Chipwrecked, featuring David “Mr. Show” “Arrested Development” Cross in a pelican suit. The ENTIRE film. It. Is. Horrible.

But hey, Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows was also on release, featuring the least subtle homoerotic subplot since Happy Feet Two, it somehow managed to get right beats that the first failed with, and generally was a more entertaining, interesting film.

Fincher’s lame-wad Girl With A Dragon Tattoo retread was unfortunately pretty much like the Swedish film, sure they made Lisbeth a little less muscular and powerful at points, but if you put both films side by side, beyond budget, actors and some of Fincher’s imagery, it’s hard to really give a crap. Not that the story and characters are interesting anyway.

The Artist was a failure of a hyped Oscar pic, a silent comedy drama which forgot the joy of early cinema and went for a surprisingly dark, and slow, plot, then went for meta sound jokes for those who enjoy self-referential humour.

Thankfully we don’t end the year on a sour note, with IMAXED Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol showing that Brad Bird is a grand action director, and Tom Cruise is still making great films. This time, simon Pegg, Jeremy Renner and Paula Patton managed to be part of Cruise’s Crew (Tom’s Crewse?) and get their own backstories/sub-plots, well done film, and also it was super fun.

Best Film of the month: A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas/Margaret

Worst Film of the month: Alvin & The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

So, what’s to look forward to in the coming year?

Well, there’s The Hobbit, The Hunger Games, The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, Prometheus, erm, GI Joe 2? Wrath of the Titans? The Dictator? Ahh shit.

Well, it looks like unlike the past two years, we WILL be getting the Cabin In The Woods, and Tim & Eric have a movie coming up. Simon West may make The Expendables 2 watchable, certainly we all want to see Jack & Jill almost as much as The Muppets, Crank team Neveldine/Taylor might make Ghost Rider a better franchise than the last outing, Andrew Stanton goes live action, kinda, with John Carter, as do Chris Miller and Phil Lord with, uhhhm, 21 Jump Street. Oh boys.

You can choose Mirror Mirror (Don’t) or Snow White & The Huntsman (Yes), and The Pirates! looks to be a crazy little slice of brilliance.

Ones to look out for though? I’d be remissed to ignore American Pie Reunion, the first three were such a big part of my late childhood and early teenagenessess, Nick Stoller and Jason Segal re-team for The Five Year Engagement, which looks hysterical, Timur Bekmambetov’s Abe Lincoln: Vampire hunter should be crazy fun given the director’s last few films, and, quite frankly, Adam Shankman’s Rock Of Ages better be as good as Hairspray. The cast, the songs, the look seem good, now let’s hope it doesn’t outstay it’s welcome when the release comes about.

We’ve had a great year of film, and I fully expect 2012 to be solid, if not quite as good.

BlogAlongAMuppets: The Muppets Christmas Carol

Finally we come to a Muppet movie I truly love, The Muppets Christmas Carol. If ever you needed to see the Dickens classic, only ever choose this version, it takes the dry, stilted, dark elements and makes it a fantastically funny event, with Gonzo in character most of the time as Charles Dickens, though when he gets to Fozziwigs’ he does lose focus as Camilla walks by, and beyond Rizzo playing himself, everyone is acting, sometimes badly, in it.

Michael Caine’s Scrooge is as straight as they come, no playing to the audience here, unless you count the happy dance, but it’s all a little too dry, so throw in the narrator managing to hurt poor Rizzo throughout, a bunch of songs and sight gags, Beaker swearing at Mr. Caine and Muppet cameos throughout.

This whole post is reflective of a screening of the film I caught last week, in an adults only Christmas party type deal, which involved the deadly drinking game when anyone says Merry Christmas (5 times in one scene), Scrooge says humbug (Often enough), someone bursts into song (Lots), Caine gets teary-eyed (He’s bloody emotional), Rizzo falls down (All. The. Time.) and Tiny Tim has a coughing fit. And the audience cheered when Tiny Tim hacked up a lung, they were happy to drink. This game is sick!

Anyway, I’ve seen a fair few Christmas Carols, but this was the one I was raised on, and quiet honestly the Christmas future segment can’t work without the Muppets, the men talking about the free lunch at Scrooge’s funeral can only be pig Muppets, not humans, and the back-alley purchaser of Scrooge’s items has to be a giant spider Muppet, it actually cannot work without him, and it’s futile to try.

I simply adore this film, it manages to be as hysterical and cartoony as The Muppets should be, whilst offering a smattering of heart and songs that are very whistle-inducing. I don’t care that they took out the boring-arse song from the Christmas past segment, which we saw before the film and made the edit so much more obvious in the real film, and I don’t mind the stilted nephew performance, or the dull Christmas Past ghost, we have the poor little rabbit Muppet being abused, Animal playing triangle, and of course “Light the lamp, not the rat!”.

If all Muppet movies could be this calibre, well then, I think we’d all have a much more entertaining time. Sometimes I feel I’ve been harsh on earlier works, then I remember they didn’t try hard enough, so sod ’em.

Also, Beaker in a scarf, Michael Fassbender?

 

Ain’t that swell.

2011 – A Year In Review: Part Two

Summer hit hard with the immortal classic blockbuster of May, Water For Elephants, erm, I mean, of course, Priest, maybe? No, there was massive moneymaker disappointment Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, which had Judi Dench in 3D, but it also had no semblance of a plot or pacing, unlike The Hangover Part II, which just ripped off their last plot, added more guns, a possible rape element and even less funny jokes somehow. Even on the Brit side there was disappointment with Joe Cornish finally releasing his directorial debut, Attack The Block, on the public, and the end result was more bland retread than loving homage.

Thankfully, Joe Wright sorted it all out with the magnificent Hanna, and of the two dance troupes doing soundtracks to partially British films, Hanna won that round too.

But we can’t forget about the Oscar fare ceremoniously dumped in the middle of the year, Win Win managed to be both overlong and underwritten. Still, it’s not Paul Giamatti’s worst film of the month.

 

Best Film Of The Month: Hanna

Worst Film Of The Month: The Hangover Part II

All of a sudden we find ourselves in the middle of the year. Days stretch out for eons, the heat hits hard and cinema? Well, let us take a gander.

The best Marvel movie in years was first up, X-Men: First Class dispelled any worries that everyone had with the rushed production for a locked release as, despite Fassbender’s Irish accent in the final act, it was a nearly note-perfect film, a mini-series of a film that did for the X-Men films what was needed, brought it to modern cinematic stylings by way of a 60’s set adventure, and circled Michael Fassbender as the next Bond for sure, as well as the year’s best actor, more on that later.

Another masterful film, Senna, got a release. Comprised entirely of archive material, Senna is a captivating, magnificent piece of work that won’t get an Oscar next year sadly, but was the single best documentary of the year. In summer blockbuster season of all times.

Sequels were big with Honey 2, Transformers 3 and the good one, Kung Fu Panda 2, all released, some are best left forgotten, right world? But you need bad blockbusters to make summer work, which is why Green Lantern exists. Just weeks after X-Men’s release, Green Lantern actively sought to degrade the comic book movie to a place in the early noughties, without any of the charm or sense that those films had.

Comedy had a struggle too, with the massively disappointing Bad Teacher only cracking smiles whenever genius Thomas Lennon popped up, and comedy drama The Beaver was a lot darker than people seemed to expect, but an almost unanimous decision means that Bridesmaids is the bestest comedy ever. Well, until August. Thankfully Bridesmaids put Kristen Wiig on the map in the UK, and maybe she’ll be able to do more than thankless straight-person roles and mixed bags of quirky character pieces.

 

Best Film Of The Month: Kung Fu Panda 2

Worst Film Of The Month: Green Lantern

This Month We Lost: Laura Ziskin, Ryan Dunn, David Rayfiel

As June’s Bridesmaids robbed the box office blind, films kept coming out and disappearing without notice, such as Larry Crowne, The Conspirator and Holy Rollers, but July offered a surprising wealth of good films, with the likes of The Tree Of Life, Super, Hobo With A Shotgun, Horrible Bosses and Arietty popping up.

Karma is a cunt, however, because not content with finally offering us such greatness, it also sent Cars 2, Zookeeper and Beginners our way. Screw you karma, what did we ever do to deserve that? And I didn’t even bother to mention how they dared launch horrid Henry 3D on an unsuspecting public.

Oh, and there was some sort of magic movie that did a fair number at the BO, not that it was clearly half as good as Captain America. I mean, does it have such a powerful line of dialogue as Werner Herzog’s performance here? Didn’t think so.

 

Best Film Of The Month: Super

Worst Film Of The Month: Beginners

Goodbye summer, says August, and in the kind of style reserved for movie stars, a huge explosion of an awesome film in the name of Super 8.

But that wasn’t the only truly remarkable blockbuster of August, no, Rupert Wyatt’s Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes did just what Fox had done in June with X-Men, made a franchise relevant again by allowing filmmakers to make something deeper than the usual fare. Not every film can have an animal lead, certainly not Mr. Popper’s Penguins or The Smurfs, although Conan The Barbarian had a horse steal scenes from the lead. The year’s second best documentary, Project Nim, smartly came out alongside Apes to avoid paying expensive marketing costs and still make enough dough, unlike oddball genre hybrid Cowboys & Aliens (not versus, people), which saw Bond, Dr. Jones and Sam Rockwell do boring things until CGI showed up and livened nothing up.

The Inbetweeners Movie managed to usurp Bridesmaids’ crown for comedy of the year, despite having none of the care, consideration and class of June’s release. Final Destination 5 brought life back into another middling franchise, with better 3D effects and more inventive kills than number 4, and a twist which just made it all better.

3D was a passing fad for Robert Rodriguez, whose Spy Kids had already done that years ago, so for part 4 (Own up, who asked for this?) had a fourth dimension, well, a scratch’n’sniff card, revolutionary.

Arthouse films The Guard and The Skin I Live In got great reports, although one had considerably more sex appeal. I mean, Brendan Gleeson, phwoar, right? And Dominic Cooper? Well, after Captain America, everyone was clamouring for more, so The Devil’s Double gave you two of him, from the director of Next and Die Another Day no less, so that’s clearly a masterpiece.

 

Best Film Of The Month: Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes/Super 8

Worst Film Of The Month: Spy Kids: All The Time In The World 4D

This Month We Lost: Bubba Smith

2011 – A Year In Review: Part One

2011, we hardly knew yee.

It seems like only a few months ago when there was snow on the ground, Tron: Legacy in the cinemas and early buzz for that Colin Firth film about swearing, yet here we are, twilight days of the year upon us all of a sudden, and what have we learned, what have we really learned in a year where Gulliver’s Travels became the respected family comedy that people dismissed eagerly in December 2010. So, from The Adjustment Bureau to Zookeeper, let us take a trip down recent memory lane.

January, cold, dark days that open the year, saw in it’s first few weeks such eclectic titles as 127 Hours, The King’s Speech, Blue Valentine, Black Swan and Season Of The Witch. Many were Oscar contenders, or attempts, such as Conviction, Barney’s Version and The Dilemma, but the highlights were of course the releases of NEDs, Tangled and The Mechanic, how can you be so down on a film where Jason Statham and Ben Foster are running down a building, doing the Tom Cruise, with more violence and swearing?

Best film of the month: Blue Valentine

Worst film of the month: It’s Kind Of A Funny Story

This month we lost: Pete Postelthwaite, Peter Yates and John Barry.

February, and with awards season in full swing, we saw such fare as The Fighter, Rabbit Hole and A Little Bit Of Heaven (with the most outstandingly awful trailer of the year) take to the multiplexes. The Coens’ True Grit remake finally made it to our small shores, so all of the UK could wonder together just what in the world Jeff Bridges was gargling about half the time, and 3D treat Drive Angry gave us Amber Heard’s cut off jean shorts in our face, and a shooting sex scene to rival Shoot ‘Em Up.

February was also one of the many months of bad comedy, with Just Go With It, No Strings Attached and Big Momma’s: Like Father, Like Son destroying senses of humour all over, and none of them have a scene as jaw-dropping as February’s The Rite.

The Oscars came and went, The King’s Speech somehow gaining a best picture and director for a forgettable, tv movie when The Social Network remains an outstanding cinematic achievement of late, made even more outstanding when put alongside Mo… No, that’s November.

What The Oscars Got Right: Adapted Screenplay for Social Network, Original Score for Trent Reznor’s Social Network, Film Editing for The Social Network.

What The Oscars Cocked Up: Toy Story 3 is not the best animation, the Wolfman shouldn’t be an Academy Award Winner, Roger Deakins still hasn’t got that Oscar.

Best film of the month: Rabbit Hole

Worst film of the month: Paul

This month we lost: Len Lesser and Gary Winick.

March, and the sun was staying up longer (I know this because I was on night shoots on the first week, and we were waiting much longer than the week before for the sun to bloody go down), big new releases started to come out, in the shape of Rango, The Adjustment Bureau, Battle: Los Angeles and Limitless, we saw Werner Herzog’s 3D documentary Cave Of Forgotten Dreams get a release, and West Wing writer John Well’s The Company Men got completely ignored, March is a tough month, but this year it at least had some memorable films in it.

Best film of the month: Submarine

Worst film of the month: Hall Pass

This month we lost: Michael Gough and Elizabeth Taylor

Oh April, you start to get warmer, hints of summer, and then you pour rain on us to make things worse. But it’s ok, because we got Duncan Jones’ second feature, Source Code, one of the only 4-act films to get a wide release with Scre4m, the least seen of the animated Oscar contenders, Winnie The Pooh, the painfully underrated Cedar Rapids and two great blockbusters in the guise of Fast Five and Thor. Also in the mix, the year’s second and third 3D documentaries, TT3D: Closer To The Edge and Pina 3D, and Zack Snyder’s rape-fantasy Sucker Punch.

Best film of the month: Source Code

Worst film of the month: Sucker Punch

This month we lost: Sidney Lumet and Tim Hetherington.

The adventure will continue in part two, May through August, coming next week.

BlogAlongAMuppets: The Muppets Take Manhattan

The worst has come.

 

The Muppets Take Manhattan.

 

But Andrew, you may say, this isn’t too bad. I mean, sure it’s a little slapdash, the pace is lost in a mix of breaking up and getting the band back together, the sight gags are lacking, the whimsy is lost altogether and the wit is rarely glimpsed, but it’s not the worst Muppet movie. Well, you’d be right, although call me Andrew again and we’ll have a big fucking problem, it’s Mr. Jones, motherfuckers.

 

Yes, so, it’s not their worst film, I mean, it may not have as convoluted a plot as Great Muppet Caper, and has Kermit getting run over, but it’s not overall the worst.

However, there was a point in this movie, and I’m not focussing on anything else here, that actually made me shriek upon sight. Be warned, it’s a scary picture.

Ok, and now the image from the film.

Muppets as babies? I know there was a cartoon and everything, but that just doesn’t excuse it. Look at them. LOOK AT THEM!

 

Their eyes are busting out of their skulls, they wear diapers yet none have ever had a bowel movement, all ares together in a room with no adult supervision, yet can have a miniature grand piano, which if one opened up and crawled inside would wind up strangling themselves, and, well, they are Muppets as babies. This is what David Lynch would consider fine children’s entertainment.

Nothing about that image, nor the scene in question, is acceptable, morally, ethically, legally. It’s a violation of childhood, of iconic creations and should be destroyed forever.

 

I actually can’t look at it anymore, it makes me want to tear my eyeballs out and vomit acid over anyone who signed off on the designs and the script revisions for the scene. In that order, the burning flesh would be horrendous to watch.

 

Anyway, the film has some high points, namely in the Gill, Jill, Bill and Kermit’s amnesiac “Phil” in their ad agency. Stupid, sure, but entertaining.

And it’s always pleasant to have Rizzo pop up and do lines of dialogue, as noted by next month’s film, he is a gem as the idiot next to a great straight guy.

But why does The Muppets Take Manhattan have so many humans in it? And not in small roles, no, they take up more screentime than, say, Beaker (One scene in the background, mute) or Statler & Waldorf (Barely around, like they don’t like us anymore), who goes to the cinema to witness a Human Movie? I mean, that’s ridiculous, we can see humans on the street, and unless you live in Los Angeles, the Muppets are never around, and believe me, I’ve waited, watching.

 

The Muppets Take Manhattan’s heart is strong, swelling in fact, but it’s irreverent humour, satire, edge is lost for the sake of emotion, and as a soulless robot, I take kindly to this not one bit.

 

Fun fact, however, John Landis appears in this film, having a scene with Kermit. John Landis pointed at me and called me his hero. I have, thus, worked with The Muppets by proxy. It may not make sense to you, but let me have this win, damnit!

 

Oh well, next month is a certified classic, and the post will appear after a lovely big screen viewing on December 17th! Until then, here’s a picture of Beaker and Dr. Bunsen cooking meth.

BlogAlongAMuppets: The Great Muppet Caper

Maybe I am a month late here, what’s it to you?

Huh?

Yeah, that’s right, some of us have been both unwell and attending the LFF, featuring George “The Cloones” Clooney, alright?

Now shut up, sit down and listen, school is in session.

 

The Muppets’ second feature film event, The Great Muppet Caper, was the focus of October, and it was, erm, it had The Muppets in it…

 

Set in London, for no discernible reason beyond probably a tax break or the Broccolis offering Piggy a Bond Girl role if they went to Pinewood, what looks from a poster and title stand-poin to be a mystery in the vein of Holmes and Watson, by way of The Muppets, is in actual fact a dated as hell heist film whose plot moves slower than Scraggly Snail, a Muppet I made up for this review, and who moves really slow.

The puppeteer operating him, and yes Muppets have operators, and Scraggly is a he, I checked they made a felt penis, is in fact dead, so the lack of movement from Scraggly is real. I like my operators to be method. It’s why in my studio the operators (Or playboy types) for Kermit and Miss Piggy are actually fucking. And one is sickly green, the other morbidly obese.

You may judge me.

In fact, here is a Judge Judy Muppet to judge for you.

Just kidding, it’s actually just Judge Judy, she’s short and wrinkled like any other Muppet.

 

Where was I? Oh yes, this film, it’s, erm, it’s, er, uh, ahm.

Well, there are Muppets in this film, and some people, humans, who may have been famous. Certainly we all remember Diana Rigg, and there was John Cleese, he was humourous, it might have actually been the last time he was filmed being funny. Well, before Rat Race.

 

And that’s about it.

The film isn’t that short though, oh no, in it’s 94 minute runtime (thanks wikipedia!) we have songs as memorable as that reality show contestant from earlier this year, you know the one, with the hair. And if you wanted Muppets on bikes, well then my goodness this might be as close to porn as you’d have got before the internet invoked rule 34, and I’m pretty sure there are videos out there with The Great Muppets Riding Bike Orgy as their title. Maybe 5 minutes of the runtime is bike riding. Does it help the plot? Does it bring out more character? Is it funny or entertaining? Is it balls.

 

I’ll admit, watching Beaker forced to test the electrical security of a building made me chuckle, in a “Well, at least Beaker has some screentime” kind of way. Poor Beaker, he should have a spin-off, but people would complain that it’s all “Mee mee mee”.

 

(Kudos to Fozzie Bear for that one)

 

((Actually, he can do better than that, it was all me))

 

(((Brackets are fun, close brackets))

 

))))((((

 

Anyway, The Great Muppet Caper does nothing to aide the memory of The Muppets, it sits poorly alongside the solidly funny if slow The Muppet Movie, an embarrassing waste of time indeed, and yet, the worst is yet to come.

Blogalongamuppets: The Muppet Movie or How I Watched A Muppet Movie And Wasn’t Enamoured

I love The Muppets. How can you not? I’ve certainly grown up with them deeply part of the culture, and every christmas we’ll play The Muppet’s Christmas Carol as our version of the classic story (More on that in December, naturally), but as the new film approaches release, some 3 months after the Americans get it, and I saw this opportunity arise to look over a Muppet movie a month until then, well, I couldn’t resist. Having said I love The Muppets, I never realised just how many films they had, and the early ones didn’t get any airtime when I was young, so I’ve never seen them, until December, each month’s blog post will be me discovering a new Muppet Movie, in this case, The Muppet Movie.

 

The film opens in a gloriously meta manner perfect for the cast we adore so much, nice to offer the opening to Statler and Waldorf, as a narrative structure rarely allows them to do anything, playing the audience doesn’t quite sit well to an audience captivated to an ongoing story, moreso for skits, sketches and the like, shortform with breaks to belittle and joke around.

We follow them to a screening room, in which Kermit has gathered the gang to see his new masterpiece, that of The Muppet Movie, conveniently, and as we open on a rendition of the song Rainbow Connection, it’s quite slow, surprisingly simple and lacking any immediate comedy, even when cameo number one drops in. Now, for these cameos, beyond two people, I had to use imdb as they don’t resonate with me, but first off the bat is Dom DeLuise.

He suggests Kermit try the entertainment industry, away from his lonely life in the swamp, making people happy. To which, Kermie leaps at the opportunity, rushing to civilisation, only to be noticed by a frog-leg restauranteur struggling to get the right image for a marketing campaign. Insert antagonist chasing and maniacally plotting in the middle of Muppet mayhem the entire film. But the film is a buddy picture about the forming of the Muppets, and predominantly the forming of a friendship between our man in green and genius comic Fozzie Bear, as they road-trip from Florida to California.

Now, I wish I could say here how much I loved the film, and yes there are some absolute genius moments, brilliant one liners, puns, songs and character beats (mostly to do with Gonzo, because he’s the best Muppet ever) but the film has a rather slow pace for the types of genre it hits upon, and oddly there are awful long stretches between gags around the middle. Even Steve Martin can’t seem to raise a smile as a rather passive aggressive waiter.

 

There’s certainly a surreal element when Orson Welles sits in front of your favourite characters and converses with them. I mean, that’s Kermit freakin… erm, Orson freaking Welles.

 

But it’s hard to believe that The Muppet Movie is the theatrical debut of the acclaimed team, it feels a little ragged, unpolished, kind of dull in fact, and whilst it certainly can entertain kids, it never rises to the levels that a Muppet movie kind of should, but perhaps that’s putting them on a nostalgic pedestal, and that’s what this effort is all about.

As it stands, there wasn’t much that was really worthwhile in The Muppet Movie, the jokes, whilst solid, never hit notes of pure hilarity and the plot didn’t feel as interesting or as epic in scope as one would expect. The scenes in the screening room had a nice feel to them, a very loose attitude that the show indulged in, and let characters be characters, sometimes it’s better for Muppets to be let loose like animal on the drums, rather than chained to a plodding, uninspired narrative. Then again, too much of a good thing can be bad for you.

Tonight I’m Gonna Break My One Rule

As a once massive Kevin Smith fan, it’s been pretty testing to see his past few years, the outrage he seems to have felt lay on the reviewers who got to see his film for free only to vocally dislike it (Which is kinda his fault for making Cop Out), and I’ve more than disliked this turn of events, especially his Sundance stuff this year, I blocked him out of my life, I went cold turkey on his films, not seen one since, they use to be comfort films, and tried to ignore the decade of enjoyment that was my love affair with the oevre of Kevin Smith.

Though I felt a twinge of excitement when asked to cover Red State for a website, I wanted to believe that this, his passion project for years, would remind me of the good times I had, albeit in a way of originality more than comedy and dialogue, I doubt this film is particularly funny, but it has the potential to be really tense. I wanted to believe that Smith had grown, matured, and his comments were an over reaction that could be put right with a solid screening.

When told that this screening was cancelled, I was shocked, I knew he didn’t want press screenings, but I never realised he had such pull with the UK distributors to let that happen, but to then go on twitter and find ‘fans’ to see the film instead, I find shocking. I was a fan, I’ve seen all his works, all of his works, more than once apiece, does that not qualify me? Clearly not, because to him we’re all overpaid (I do this as a hobby) snobs (I love Drive Angry) who don’t deserve to have a voice if we see films for free. If this were true, anyone using a Cineworld Unlimited card, after a few visits in a month, can’t speak their mind about films they might have seen, those SeeFilmFirst screenings, designed as a way to put out word on a film, are redundant because those that see a film for free can’t speak about that film.

He believes that someone who pays to see a film can say what they like about a film, fair enough, but I know what it’s like to pay money to see a crap film (I ended up seeing Cop Out in an empty cinema because I still have to see all his films in the cinema), and I know the pain when I think of the places the money I wasted could have gone, the time I wasted too, and I like to make sure people know if there’s a film not worth their time nor money, and that is part of the job of a reviewer, one who looks over the film and reviews it’s value in every way.

Kevin Smith, a man born from the momentum of film critics, survived by the love of reviewers, who did a stint on Ebert and Roeper, thinks film critics are imbeciles. I think he is an arrogant hypocrite. Words are cheap, and I have a billion ready for him.

Back Of The Line – On The Human Centipede Controversy

Hey, remember the other year when people read the description of a film and went “Oh fuck, what? No way am I watching that”, and then reports came out that the disgusting premise of a film entitled The Human Centipede was actually relatively tame and was more about the idea than a grotesque spectacle of horror falling before the audience’s eyes?

Well, that film had a bracketed title addition, (First Sequence).

What does that mean? Well, if you don’t know by now, and who doesn’t, Tom Six, the film’s director, made Full Sequence.

Full Sequence was, according to the internet who are never wrong, banned in the UK on Monday the 5th June 2011.

It was rejected for classification from the BBFC, who are the organisation policing what can be shown in cinemas, not in a “This is clearly going against the government” kind of can’t be shown, more of a, well, lets take a chunk out of the BBFC’s overview of this film: “a scene early in the film in which he masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis”

That shut you up.

And of course the announcement that the organisation said no to a film fanned the flames of ‘nanny state’ across the twitterverse.

Try as I might, I honestly can’t see the viewpoint of those that are vocally aggressive or firm about the whole issue, if it even is an issue.  It’s fair to get up in arms about The King’s Speech, which yes uses more than the alloted 3 f-words maximum (And it is 3, Run, Fatboy, Run uses them), but the uses weren’t ever in an aggressive or even vulgar standpoint, it was a narrative breakthrough that held the key components of the film together in fleeting uses of a curse word that holds no value in modern society anyway. More often than not now people don’t flinch at the use of the word ‘cunt’ either, we live in such open times.

Of course, the writer of Made In Dagenham believing the film could go as a 12a was off his rocker, because upper class swearing isn’t as crass and vulgar as those of Essex/Greater London.

But that whole operation in December was shown in an open, transparent environment as to why the BBFC did what they did. And that’s what kills a lot of arguments, the BBFC aren’t an opaque, closed-in clique that organise all these secret destructions of big films for their own enjoyment, they are not the MPAA.

Just reading the reasoning behind the decision feels dirty, and it’s clear that Six’s MO was to court as much controversy as possible, and he’s accomplished that, I mean “the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the ‘centipede’.” Really?

That’s not pat of some serious, award-baiting drama about a real life event, or the tragedies of war or loss of a child. This is clearly straight up schlock in an effort to disgust the viewer, and even that would be acceptable, if it’s secondary goal wasn’t revolved around the sexualisation of physical violence.

The MPAA are sticklers for sex, violence gets away scott free, but a pee pee possibly closing in on a thingamabob to do some How’s Your Uncle? No way, Jose! But the BBFC’s major gripe has notably been the involvement of sexual violence, and the treatment of it in the film. The Evil Dead involved tree rape. Banned, that time actually banned, not rejected. In 2008 a film entitled Murder Set Pieces (Classy) was rejected from classification too.

The organisation cited “MURDER SET PIECES is a US made feature focussing on the activities of a psychopathic sexual serial killer, who, throughout the film, is seen raping, torturing and murdering his victims. There is a clear focus on sex or sexual behaviour accompanied by non-consensual pain, injury and humiliation. Young children are among those terrorised and killed. In making a decision as to whether a video work is suitable for classification, the Board applies the criteria set out in its current Classification Guidelines, published in 2005. These are the result of an extensive process of public consultation and research and reflect the balance of media effects research, the requirements of UK law and the attitudes of the UK public. The Board’s Guidelines clearly set out the Board’s serious concerns about the portrayal of violence, most especially when the violence is sexual or sexualised, but also when depictions portray or encourage: callousness towards victims, aggressive attitudes, or taking pleasure in pain or humiliation. The Guidelines for the ‘18’ category requested for this video work state that such concerns ‘will not normally override the wish that adults should be free to choose their own entertainment’ but make clear that exceptions to this general rule may be made in certain areas, including ‘where material or treatment appears to the Board to risk harm to individuals or, through their behaviour, to society – eg any detailed portrayal of violent or dangerous acts… [and that the Board] may intervene with portrayals of sexual violence which might, eg eroticise or endorse sexual assault’. Under the heading of ‘Rejects’, the Guidelines identify as of particular concern ‘graphic rape or torture’, ‘portrayals of children in a sexualised or abusive context’ and ‘sex accompanied by non-consensual pain, injury or humiliation’. The Board’s position that scenes of violence with the potential to trigger sexual arousal may encourage a harmful association between violence and sexual gratification is reflected in research and consistent with public opinion. It is the Board’s carefully considered view that to issue a certificate to MURDER-SET-PIECES, even if statutorily confined to adults, would involve risk of harm within the terms of the Video Recordings Act 1984, would be inconsistent with the Board’s Guidelines, and would be unacceptable to the public. The Board considered whether the issue could be dealt with through cuts. However, given the unacceptable content features throughout, and that what remains is essentially preparatory and set-up material for the unacceptable scenes, cuts are not a viable option in this case and the work is therefore refused a classification.”

And that sums it all up. There wasn’t a massive worldwide arms up ‘hold on everyone, this is ridiculous, we’re in a nanny state here’ cause célébre for the film, so why Centipede Part II?

Possibly this is twitter’s fault. The ability to live in the moment across the world has allowed events to unfold at rapid pace for everyone in a single time-frame, there is no more waking up to news, then hunting for more information, it’s there on your timeline for you. No more waiting hours for information, 5 people are writing the same info from a screening, from a presentation, from a trailer they saw just so that you too are in the know. We are intrinsically linked, and from that we can communicate on a global level about something that could be a small road block, insignificant, and blow it way out of proportion, such as the idea that the 50 people who gave a crap about The Human Centipede (First Sequence) outside of the shock value on first watch are now forced to never see where the film series goes by the big mean BBFC. I mean, how dare they do something like state that a film which involves “graphic images of sexual violence, forced defecation, and mutilation, and the viewer is invited to witness events from the perspective of the protagonist. Whereas in the first film the ‘centipede’ idea is presented as a revolting medical experiment, with the focus on whether the victims will be able to escape, this sequel presents the ‘centipede’ idea as the object of the protagonist’s depraved sexual fantasy.” stupid, really.

I mean, really? Tom Six is entirely here to get his film banned everywhere. No doubt at all, he is going for a 70’s/80’s style of controversy and reaction from ‘fans’ who will swap the film when it’s hard or nigh-on impossible to get a copy of it, giving the sense of a strong backing from viewers, possibly spawning a further sequel and most definitely securing Six’s place in cinematic history, in a way that feels forced, staged and kinda lazy in it’s own way.

Is there cinematic merit to The Human Centipede (Final Sequence)? It’s a schlocky horror? Or is it just a lot of vile, grotesque sequences where the focus is on a nasty, mentally deranged individual who is affected by the power of cinema to do something disgusting, disturbing, inconceivably abhorrent, and we are meant to find him the heart of the film and his victims just pieces of meat to be killed for his sick pleasures?

Ok, so I’m taking liberties, having not seen the film, nor ever will, I don’t know if he’s a character that rules the film and creates empathy for the viewers, but it’s clear from the BBFC’s breakdown that the protagonist is pushed by a screening of the first film to do the vile things to other people, and again it’s clear that the people forced to suffer aren’t there on their own will, nor are allowed to be humans. We are distanced from them to make the effects of the experiment and actions of the main character tamer for the audience, despite the fact that clearly it is more for the sake of ignoring characters that get in the way of dark, disgusting visuals. And making it sexual.

Whilst a lot of people claim that they feel they wish to make up their own minds as to what to see, there has to be a limit. Yes we live in a free society, where we can do as we want, say what we want, be who we want, see what we want. Unless you want to see The Human Centipede (Full Sequence). But this is how we get by, so we want to see X-Men but they rated it a 12 and we are but 10 (Which was devastating), or Shoot ‘Em Up just pushes to an 18 because of a camera shot through a body cavity, or muting Bradley Cooper’s “Mother…” in The A-Team to avoid a 15 for no use of the term Motherfuckers whatsoever. These aren’t huge losses, and it’s all fine and dandy. Heck, Bee Movie had to have a make-shift flamethrower beat in a brawl cut out, because kids could emulate it. I know I sure as shit emulate films and tv when I was younger. When I was 7 I was taken to the headteacher’s office because me and my mates were playing Power Rangers (You laugh now) in the playground, and it ‘looked potentially dangerous’. I had a friend in college who loved Fight Club and went on to detail rather intensely his plans to blow things up, to round people up, he showed blue-prints of weapons he was designing to ‘fuck the man’ because Fight Club told him to. Cinema has a power stronger than some people realise, and the capabilities to reach out to those that aren’t as clear with the moral implications of what they are doing can lead to dangerous things. It’s only sensible that the BBFC stopped this film before anyone saw it and did something akin to the protagonist, because if they let it pass and someone did hold people against their will, fuck them and kill them, after watching the film a lot, people would sure as all get out call for the film to be banned.

And it’s not even banned. It’s just not allowed to be shown in cinemas, or released on DVD, you can’t buy a ticket to see it or buy a copy. There cannot be profit made from this film in the country. I’m sure there’ll be private, invitation only screenings of it come FrightFest ala Raindance’s A Serbian Film screening last year, where members were given the chance to see the full uncut version because it wasn’t being paid for.

Heck, I’ve seen films before they got a certificate and I’m muggins here, not like some insider who can get things at the drop of a hat. It’s not the film’s end, probably only the beginning for it really, it’s just another great decision by an organisation who never work for controversy, only for the good of the country’s citizens. And damn do they deserve more respect than they get.

*The Human Centipede (Full Sequence) information from A Dog Ate My Wookie(e)

*Murder Set Pieces informtation from the BBFC site

Bad Movies

Well, with Bad Teacher coming out, clearly in the vein of 2003’s Bad Santa, and 2005’s re-make of Bad News Bears, and 2009’s Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans, it’s time to re-imagine the summer in “Bad” Cinema.

Bad Zookeeper

Kevin James plays an ex-con, after 15 years for armed robbery and attempted murder, Jeff Stevenson returns to the real world, and finds the only people willing to hire our intrepid anti-hero is New York Zoo. There he finds all kinds of animals to sell to poachers, through eBay or black markets, even offering the best animal porn this side of the border.

Soon, however, Stevenson realises that maybe we’re all animals caged up out of fear, and has to decide if he can really let wild animals stay in prison, or unleash the beasts inside.

Rated R for Strong Violence and Gory Images, Teen Partying, Sexual Content, Graphic nudity and Pervasive Strong Language.

Bad Green Lantern

Hal Jordan is a schmo working in the US Air Force, having lots of sex with women and being charming, charismatic and all-round awesome. One day he discovers a meteorite crash, an alien dies, and gives him a ring with all the power he ever needs.

He is told to join with a collection of alien races to defend the universe.

Hal Jordan, once he finds the way to unleash the power within, becomes the only pilot without a plane, has sex with women in mid-air, beats up nerds, cheats casinos and becomes the coolest, most douchiest billionairre ever. And the universe is destroyed.

Rated R for strong sexual content including nudity, strong violence, smoking and strong language.

The Bad Tree Of Life

Brad Pitt and Sean Penn play brothers on a decade-long road trip through America, doing lots of drugs and fornicating with lots of ladies, until one day they break down in the desert of Arizona. As they traverse the sandy terrain our intrepid duo, with taking dog buddy Sam (Hank Azaria) discover the secrets of the mythical Tree Of Life, and find immortality awaits.

With no chance of ever dying, the three contemplate re-joining society or finding a way to continue their road trip, even if it means murder, burglary and prostitution. It’s a 3 hour long meditation on humanity, with a plethora of dick jokes.

Rated PG-13 for Mature Content and for a Smoking Caterpillar.